Things That Piss Me Off

Here it is, top 10 things that irritate the ever livin' outta me.

WARNING: I use some of the swears in this.

10. Idiots who say they will be there in 20 minutes, then arrive 2 hours later.Seriously, you have a cell phone. Fucking use it. Don't give me that "Ooooh I was on the phone with my cousin forever before I left" well, if that happens you call and say "sorry, I'm running behind" I truly don't get people sometimes. Am I the only person who likes to update people about where I'm at and how long I'll be, etc? Am I the only courteous person left on this damned planet?

9. People who speed up to pass you, then go 5 over the speed limit. Screw you. You're a prick and nobody likes you. If you feel the need to pass me, pass me like you're SERIOUSLY pissed off at me because I'm only going 10 over, flick me off and try and drive me off the road. That passive aggressive pass-then-slow thing really has to stop. Does this only happen in Minnesota? I know we are the passive aggressive state.

8. People who don't have their ID or money ready while in a line. Do you really need to stand there and watch the cashier scan everything before you pull out your money or credit card? With money I kind of get it, you might not know the exact total but if you're one of the bazillion people who have a credit card, why are you protecting it and hiding it like its one of Michael Jackon's children? The world seriously won't start to crumble underneath you if you break that puppy out right away. Oh, PS? REMEMBER WHERE YOU PUT YOUR CREDIT CARD. I know a few people who toss it in their purse. You have a wallet, use it. And use it wisely. Don't over pack the slots for the cards, so they are easily accessible. If you over pack 5 slots you already have issues. You really don't need a card for every place you shop at.

7. Men. I have yet to meet one who I haven't hated to any degree (sorry). I might not hate them as a person, possibly a situation I'm in with them even would more than likely make me dislike them to a certain degree. I've talked to a few men who are nice and sweet but have I actually hung out with them in a social setting? No. Thats when you know if a man is a douche or not. They can be Casanova on the phone, e-mail, txt, blog, tweet, facebook status, messenger pigeon but once you are face to face with them...their true idiosyncrasy shows. I guess that goes for everyone, but I really like picking on men.

6. People who blog. I guess I piss myself off. I'm pretentious. I love reading what I have to say because I don't hear it enough when I tell myself I'm fucking awesome. Here, let me show you how witty I am. And I know all the hip new places to hang out, all the hole in the wall mom and pa shops that have the best pie, and yes I've tried that new mirco brew and it wasn't that good. Oh and cupcake shops are totally so 2009.

5. Sarcastic people. Once again, I guess I piss myself off. But here is the thing, have you ever been so pissed off at something but the sheer brilliance of the said thing you are pissed at makes you love that thing/person/situation that much more just because it was sarcasm filled? What can I say, I love dry humor. I love people who are pricks just to get a rise out of someone. I do fancy myself a sarcasm-a-thon from time to time.

4. People who dislikes someone just because their intelligence level isn't as low as theirs. I'm sorry, sometimes people say things that go over other peoples heads, and in return they get dumbfounded and feel stupid. It isn't that persons fault that you don't get it. (easily something like sarcasm, most people can't grasp onto that) So please, don't go and be mean to them because your mind just folded in on itself.

3. Car Alarms. Yes, the noise is so annoying usually the person breaking into your car will run off like they are a scared dog. But when I'm trying to sleep and it goes off for two hours,...yeah.....that isn't my idea of a good time. Can't someone make a car alarm that goes on your keys and it makes the same exact noise so it informs said car owner of said possible car break-in? Is there something like that? If so make it cheap enough so someone that has a 98 Dodge Neon can sleep sound knowing their precious piece of shit car won't get stolen.

2. Sports. Why do I even take my time to watch this shit? I remember when I was younger I watched it just for the sake of watching it. I started getting into it because I was the second child, and I wasn't a boy so my dad made damn sure he'd get me into sports because I think he wished I was a boy. I didn't care about the numbers, transactions, or rumors. When I watched football as a kid I saw two teams, and a ball. I saw whoever scored the most won. I was sold, thats all I needed and had to know. I didn't give two fucks about off sides calls, or illegal formation. Once you get older it loses that magic.
You obsess. You get way too into it. But I guess thats what happens when you get passionate about sports. One sport I can always count on is baseball for some reason, because I refuse to get into saber-metrics. People who do that have too much time on their hands. I love the sport for the history, and the feeling I get when I'm at the park. I don't need no score-card-keeping saber-metrics Nazi all up in my grill while I'm trying to eat a hot dog and drink a beer. Let me scream at Nick Swisher in peace, thank you. PS: people who judge a pitcher by their wins and loses should be punched.

1. Splenda. You chemically transformed sugar wanna be! You taste like chlorine. And don't give me that bullshit, your body can't process something that doesn't know what it is. Think of how many housewives drink Diet Coke thinking it'll keep them 'slim'. Does everyone wonder why recently cancer has been becoming more and more frequent? My theory is that your body doesn't know what the shit to do with the over consumption of this so called 'sugar substitute' so it stores it and fucks with your chemicals in your body. It's like getting a calcium deposit, but chemically engineered sugar attacks the weak cells in your body, transforming it into cancer. See, this is what I think about late at night. I really wish I could think about boys....or Jersey Shore.


If you ended up reading all of that, I'm sorry. But here is a present! Lets get happy and watch a cute cat trying to contact its cat overlords in its great attempt to signal the start of the catalocalypse!