Hipster A-Rod

And here is another installment of the hipster baseball player meme series! Enjoy.

Things That Piss Me Off 2.0

Hello all and welcome to another installment of "Things That Piss Me Off"!
As I sit here in my apartment by myself I realized a bunch of things piss me off, call me a curmudgeon or a 80 year old man who hates children on his lawn but c'mon, there is a BUNCH of stupid shit going on in the world. I'd like to point these things out and bitch about them. I'm cleansing myself of these so-called "irritants".

1. Late Night TV Ads

You make me feel like a jackass. I sit here eating a roll up filled with gummi bears (sucking on it, for slower consumption and heightening the flavor experience)and all I see are these people who used to be fat like me and say they lost a googleplex amount of weight just by drinking these certain shakes! Just let me enjoy my insomnia, please. Stop making me feel fatter than I already am. You just gave me a complex.

2. Tim Tebow / Tim Tebow Haters

Okay, I don't hate the kid, honestly. But the fact that he's a less than mediocre QB getting this much media attention makes my head explode. Its like watching a car accident, staring into the sun or seeing some 16 year old girl attempt her damnedest to parallel park in the winter. You cannot pull away for the life of you.

And as for his vehement and fierce love for Jesus Christ? Go him. You let that pro-Christianity flag fly.So soak in your fifteen minutes of fame, or start excelling in your job and prove all these douchers wrong. His 4th quarter heroics has to stop sometime, right? Right? All I know is that this kid is very interesting to watch. And it pisses me off.

3. Country Music

Congrats! You, to no avail completely sucked every last drop of respectable music out of the veins of your genre! Huzzah, celebrate! Does anyone miss Vince Gil, Garth Brooks, and Alan Jackson? They told stories. Moving, deep stories. Now country music tells me about red solo cups and that you should fill them up (I'm guessing with low grade liquor, or Keystone Light), how boys are mean, that I should 'ride' cowboys, and that I should love a man how a dog loves said man.

Re-fucking-dicious.

I remember when country music was to be respected...I swear Shania Twain ruined it all with her slutty country-ness. I don't like that country is trying to get more mainstream. I can get behind acts like Sugarland but they're still so poppy sounding, it isn't the same. I can safely say 80% of music in the past 5 years have blown, very hard. Or maybe I like my music so obscure now because I'm a hipster.

4. Small Towns

Yes, small towns you piss me off the most lately. Hey guys have you ever wondered how it would be like to go to Highschool and NEVER LEAVE? That's how it feels like to live in a small town. PS: A small town to me is ANYTHING out of the metro area. Also, if you don't have a Panera, Chipotle, or Noodles & Co you're small.

I'm aware some of you that are reading this is from a small town, don't get me wrong I like YOU as a person I just have seething HATE when people get together and decide its soooooooo boring the only fun is to drink, and talk shit about people. I don't get why people talk shit about other people.
Do you hate yourself? Does it feel good to make someone else feel like shit? Are you honestly that bored? Did someone hurt you as a child? Shut your fucking mouth and get a hobby or something. That doesn't mean make drugs, you silly kids. I mean making drugs is a painstaking task in itself and you'd have to be some-what smart to do these things but I think there's already enough meth labs in the Midwest to make an atomic bomb feel inferior.

5. Cleaning agents

You either make me want to throw up or hold my breath until I get light headed. You also make me think that "If it smells good....you should be able to drink it, right?"
Please tell me I'm not the only person who's smelled orange glo and thought "If it tasted as good as it smelled, I'd drink the shit out of that" because that has passed my mind a few times. Same goes for you, dish soap. I want to eat your vanilla lavender essence so bad it HURTS.

6. Kids Without Leashes

Kids. Need. Leashes. My parents opted out of using one on me and ended up just growing my hair out and making me wear hoodies. I'm guessing that was cheaper and less of an eyesore. Every time I see a kid with a leash I do cringe but then I think, hey kids are stupid and they'll run off even if they're holding your hand.

True story, I almost died running into the middle of 50th and France but my mom grabbed my hair. I told her if I held my arms in front of me the car would've stopped. Boy was I ever stupid, I mean I was cuter than shit and I possibly could've had some special superpowers but guys who am I kidding? Kids are stupid, or maybe I was the ONLY kid stupid enough to run into the middle of the street without thinking of the consequences. Put kids in leashes and don't give them red dye, you'll thank me later.




Okay, now everyone lets have a nice group hug. Ahhhh. That was nice, wasn't it?

Contentment, I has it.

The past year my life has been a roller coaster. Moved from place to place never feeling safe but I can finally say I feel content with my life right now, and its in a place I never thought I'd find it.

You all know I'm a city girl through and through, that I soak up the buzz of the city like a sponge. I love always knowing there is something to do and people to see. So its odd to say that I'm not fighting to get back to the cities, even though I see myself living back there again.

I am now living in a town of almost 20,000 which in my eyes is VERY SMALL and heres the shocker; I'm OKAY with it. My mind and body is in the city but my soul right now at the moment is down here. Everything seems slower, more calm and collected and not being around the rush of the city is soothing my soul a bit, even though I'm a waitress now. Its oddly comforting and relaxing. I'm weird, right?

I can finally collect my thoughts and look at my life and really decide what roads I want to take.


In other news:

!!!!!! I FINALLY saw Robert Plant in concert. Seeing him might have helped my contentment I've had because its one thing I never thought I'd be able to do. I was so close to him I could see the marks of all the years he's been alive and kicking some serious fucking ass as one of the best front men in all the land. He moves across the stage like he's moving the music and not the music moving him. Its something everyone needs to see, this man is pure utter brilliance, with amazing hair.


Oh, and here is your daily picture of cuteness, even though its also kind of sad:




ITS A KITTEN WITH A CAST. SOCUTEANDSAD.

Karlee + Video Camera = ?

I want to say I'm sorry in advance, but I'm bored and I love cheap wine.

Things That Piss Me Off

Here it is, top 10 things that irritate the ever livin' outta me.

WARNING: I use some of the swears in this.

10. Idiots who say they will be there in 20 minutes, then arrive 2 hours later.Seriously, you have a cell phone. Fucking use it. Don't give me that "Ooooh I was on the phone with my cousin forever before I left" well, if that happens you call and say "sorry, I'm running behind" I truly don't get people sometimes. Am I the only person who likes to update people about where I'm at and how long I'll be, etc? Am I the only courteous person left on this damned planet?

9. People who speed up to pass you, then go 5 over the speed limit. Screw you. You're a prick and nobody likes you. If you feel the need to pass me, pass me like you're SERIOUSLY pissed off at me because I'm only going 10 over, flick me off and try and drive me off the road. That passive aggressive pass-then-slow thing really has to stop. Does this only happen in Minnesota? I know we are the passive aggressive state.

8. People who don't have their ID or money ready while in a line. Do you really need to stand there and watch the cashier scan everything before you pull out your money or credit card? With money I kind of get it, you might not know the exact total but if you're one of the bazillion people who have a credit card, why are you protecting it and hiding it like its one of Michael Jackon's children? The world seriously won't start to crumble underneath you if you break that puppy out right away. Oh, PS? REMEMBER WHERE YOU PUT YOUR CREDIT CARD. I know a few people who toss it in their purse. You have a wallet, use it. And use it wisely. Don't over pack the slots for the cards, so they are easily accessible. If you over pack 5 slots you already have issues. You really don't need a card for every place you shop at.

7. Men. I have yet to meet one who I haven't hated to any degree (sorry). I might not hate them as a person, possibly a situation I'm in with them even would more than likely make me dislike them to a certain degree. I've talked to a few men who are nice and sweet but have I actually hung out with them in a social setting? No. Thats when you know if a man is a douche or not. They can be Casanova on the phone, e-mail, txt, blog, tweet, facebook status, messenger pigeon but once you are face to face with them...their true idiosyncrasy shows. I guess that goes for everyone, but I really like picking on men.

6. People who blog. I guess I piss myself off. I'm pretentious. I love reading what I have to say because I don't hear it enough when I tell myself I'm fucking awesome. Here, let me show you how witty I am. And I know all the hip new places to hang out, all the hole in the wall mom and pa shops that have the best pie, and yes I've tried that new mirco brew and it wasn't that good. Oh and cupcake shops are totally so 2009.

5. Sarcastic people. Once again, I guess I piss myself off. But here is the thing, have you ever been so pissed off at something but the sheer brilliance of the said thing you are pissed at makes you love that thing/person/situation that much more just because it was sarcasm filled? What can I say, I love dry humor. I love people who are pricks just to get a rise out of someone. I do fancy myself a sarcasm-a-thon from time to time.

4. People who dislikes someone just because their intelligence level isn't as low as theirs. I'm sorry, sometimes people say things that go over other peoples heads, and in return they get dumbfounded and feel stupid. It isn't that persons fault that you don't get it. (easily something like sarcasm, most people can't grasp onto that) So please, don't go and be mean to them because your mind just folded in on itself.

3. Car Alarms. Yes, the noise is so annoying usually the person breaking into your car will run off like they are a scared dog. But when I'm trying to sleep and it goes off for two hours,...yeah.....that isn't my idea of a good time. Can't someone make a car alarm that goes on your keys and it makes the same exact noise so it informs said car owner of said possible car break-in? Is there something like that? If so make it cheap enough so someone that has a 98 Dodge Neon can sleep sound knowing their precious piece of shit car won't get stolen.

2. Sports. Why do I even take my time to watch this shit? I remember when I was younger I watched it just for the sake of watching it. I started getting into it because I was the second child, and I wasn't a boy so my dad made damn sure he'd get me into sports because I think he wished I was a boy. I didn't care about the numbers, transactions, or rumors. When I watched football as a kid I saw two teams, and a ball. I saw whoever scored the most won. I was sold, thats all I needed and had to know. I didn't give two fucks about off sides calls, or illegal formation. Once you get older it loses that magic.
You obsess. You get way too into it. But I guess thats what happens when you get passionate about sports. One sport I can always count on is baseball for some reason, because I refuse to get into saber-metrics. People who do that have too much time on their hands. I love the sport for the history, and the feeling I get when I'm at the park. I don't need no score-card-keeping saber-metrics Nazi all up in my grill while I'm trying to eat a hot dog and drink a beer. Let me scream at Nick Swisher in peace, thank you. PS: people who judge a pitcher by their wins and loses should be punched.

1. Splenda. You chemically transformed sugar wanna be! You taste like chlorine. And don't give me that bullshit, your body can't process something that doesn't know what it is. Think of how many housewives drink Diet Coke thinking it'll keep them 'slim'. Does everyone wonder why recently cancer has been becoming more and more frequent? My theory is that your body doesn't know what the shit to do with the over consumption of this so called 'sugar substitute' so it stores it and fucks with your chemicals in your body. It's like getting a calcium deposit, but chemically engineered sugar attacks the weak cells in your body, transforming it into cancer. See, this is what I think about late at night. I really wish I could think about boys....or Jersey Shore.


If you ended up reading all of that, I'm sorry. But here is a present! Lets get happy and watch a cute cat trying to contact its cat overlords in its great attempt to signal the start of the catalocalypse!

1...2....3......Cuteness Explosion!

Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!
-insert heart melt here-

Oh, Craigslist.

Sometimes people who are funny get on Craigslist, and they make a funny post. This is one.

--Click this guy right here--

SO then I decided to make one of my own:



Boom.